*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
This is me
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting