Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Noah
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat