Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
You Might Also Like
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me too 😆
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.