Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.