[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Monday?
No. Next question.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.