[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it