high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
You Might Also Like
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.