high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”