‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story