Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

*limbos under the caution tape

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

What’s so funny?

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.