Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no