‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.