Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

saw this in a dream

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*