*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Realize this:
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
what the hell girl, sure
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
when there are deer in the woods
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES