*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
spot the difference
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
i prefer mine room temperature.
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.