High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
what’s more important?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
True
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos