*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol