*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
#winning
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
can’t bark with your mouth full
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning