*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
u spoke cat all this time??????
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
This meal prepping shit easy
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?