HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
