HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
boys are so easy to impress
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
