HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
damn he’s good
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
