High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
