High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.