High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
