High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
sigh
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
