[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about