Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free