[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.