[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
You Might Also Like
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
New menu item
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
For real 🤣
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Phonetics
my mind
You just read my mind
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”