High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
🖕🏻👽
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
getting groceries
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I enjoy a good short stor
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.