High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
This cat wants you to take your pills
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.