High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.