[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.