[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
You Might Also Like
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
This could be us… but you playing
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.