[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord