Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Reporter: *ports again*

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.