Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

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HEYYYY MACARENA

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.