Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

hmm conte-me mais

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening