[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT