[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
😂😂
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no