@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

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@Divergentmama

This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?

@ramblinma

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

@AndyJokedAgain

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

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