[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.