[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
technique
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind