Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge served cold

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.