[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
birds and squirrels envy us
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?