[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
🤣
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Steam Forums
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.