[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder