Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Answering: How are you?
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return
-incites follow-up questions
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀