[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
New tinder profile pic
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Two types of dogs.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.