[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Important reminders
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests