[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.