[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do