Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Donkey Kong sommelier

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

oh you wanna fight?!

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.