High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.