High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.