Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Put my back out twerking in the library again

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀