High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.