Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct