High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
the #horror is real!
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
this is the greatest thing ever
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
