Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Bloody internet 😳

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster