High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

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I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.


I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.


“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.


In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.


my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl


I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.


A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.


Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?


I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.