Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.