High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Doggies just call it style.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
