High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
#SCOTUS one-star review
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.