High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.