Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden