High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.