Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is wisdom there.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder