Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.