[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
You Might Also Like
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.