[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*aggressively waits in line*
Not messing around
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Van Gone
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way