High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
same bro
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”