High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
