High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Peace was never an option
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”